Finding Faith in Heartache


I lost my faith almost 13 years ago and have struggled to get it back. My parents are very spiritual and Godly people. My mom is even the director of a church preschool. Church and prayer play a big part of their daily lives. I don’t have that relationship anymore.

I never understood how this figure who is supposed to be a protector of all things could allow so much pain to happen. From ripping loved ones away by tragic death, to severe sickness, physical attacks, and more. I never understood and stopped praying to this figure. I didn’t believe that something or someone so “holy” could be so cruel to my life. Going to Church with my parents wasn’t something I wanted anymore. There was nothing for me to believe in, except for science and facts.

My dad became very sick this week. My mom told me to pray. Talking to something that wasn’t physically there and something I didn’t believe in did not seem worth it. I wanted science to fix it all. My parents have been praying every day together for my dad and I can see how much it is helping them, even if it’s not showing in healing my dad. They have faith. I did not. Until last night. 

My Change in Faith

My hope was lost and my emotional strength was no longer there. I was crying every night to myself once Jack had fallen asleep. Last night, I sat in my oldest dog’s bed last night, held her close, and cried again. But this time, it was different. I asked for help. I asked to help my dad feel okay again. To bring some life back to him. To heal him. Even if we didn’t know what was going on, I just wanted to see him gain some strength back. I didn’t know who or what I was talking to, but it felt good to get it out. 

I walked in to his hospital room tonight, and he was in good spirits. He was smiling and not in pain from his catheter coming out. He wasn’t in pain from his new catheter. Maybe they blessed him with pain medication. Maybe he got some sleep. I’m not really sure, but I can say that my faith is coming back. 

No, this isn’t photography related. I didn’t have a session this week and I have only been answering emails. But, this is my life right now. I love my clients and they have been so supportive to me in my journey with my dad. Sometimes, being raw, open, and honest, is the best thing. Writing is my best coping mechanism and I hope to continue sharing with you!

  1. Raquel Miralles

    January 7th, 2019 at 12:35 am

    Oh sweet girl. Faith and hope is easy to lose if you allow earthly thoughts and science to rule your mind. Sit in a quiet room daily and simply talk to the air if this helps to relieve the burden that’s eating away at your heart and soul. God is listening and waiting for u to accept that He is in control not science. I’m not saying science doesnt help but from experience, I have gone through this as well and questioned my beliefs as well when my mom was dying. You have to believe that sometimes He needs special people to leave this earth to protect them from the horror that’s to come. God bless u and ur family and may God show u how peace, faith and hope work when He is the first person u turn to.

  2. Jennifer Brannon

    January 7th, 2019 at 12:43 am

    I absolutely love everything about this! I struggle with faith myself. Your Mom is such a prayer warrior . A true inspiration. I love that you shared this. Real life stuff. I’m praying for your family daily

  3. Heather

    January 7th, 2019 at 1:12 am

    Will be praying for your dad. Hope you can continue to restore your faith.

  4. Missy Mann

    January 7th, 2019 at 3:39 am

    I’m praying for you and your family!

  5. Wendy Gustino

    January 8th, 2019 at 2:00 am

    I’m happy your faith is being restored. My daughter who is 18 has been struggling with her faith as well and I feel as if I have failed her in some way. My husband and I have a very strong faith as she herself was a miracle from God. I pray she doesn’t have to have a tragedy in her life to make her come back to her faith. I will say a prayer for your Father and for his recovery! By the way, your photography work is beautiful, I’ve admired your work for other for awhile!

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