I lost my faith almost 13 years ago and have struggled to get it back. My parents are very spiritual and Godly people. My mom is even the director of a church preschool. Church and prayer play a big part of their daily lives. I don’t have that relationship anymore.
I never understood how this figure who is supposed to be a protector of all things could allow so much pain to happen. From ripping loved ones away by tragic death, to severe sickness, physical attacks, and more. I never understood and stopped praying to this figure. I didn’t believe that something or someone so “holy” could be so cruel to my life. Going to Church with my parents wasn’t something I wanted anymore. There was nothing for me to believe in, except for science and facts.
My dad became very sick this week. My mom told me to pray. Talking to something that wasn’t physically there and something I didn’t believe in did not seem worth it. I wanted science to fix it all. My parents have been praying every day together for my dad and I can see how much it is helping them, even if it’s not showing in healing my dad. They have faith. I did not. Until last night.
My hope was lost and my emotional strength was no longer there. I was crying every night to myself once Jack had fallen asleep. Last night, I sat in my oldest dog’s bed last night, held her close, and cried again. But this time, it was different. I asked for help. I asked to help my dad feel okay again. To bring some life back to him. To heal him. Even if we didn’t know what was going on, I just wanted to see him gain some strength back. I didn’t know who or what I was talking to, but it felt good to get it out.
I walked in to his hospital room tonight, and he was in good spirits. He was smiling and not in pain from his catheter coming out. He wasn’t in pain from his new catheter. Maybe they blessed him with pain medication. Maybe he got some sleep. I’m not really sure, but I can say that my faith is coming back.
No, this isn’t photography related. I didn’t have a session this week and I have only been answering emails. But, this is my life right now. I love my clients and they have been so supportive to me in my journey with my dad. Sometimes, being raw, open, and honest, is the best thing. Writing is my best coping mechanism and I hope to continue sharing with you!